Thursday, December 2, 2010

I just found a retard in Idiot City!

Yoville. Farmville. Fishville. Restaurant City. Toilet Town. Idiot City. Population: YOU.
They're facebook games, they're newsfeed spam, they're horror disguised in inoccent wrapping paper. They're goshdarn annoying!!
Seriously. If you find it a pressing matter to tell your friends how many levels you've advanced in retrograding your IQ, something's wrong with you. No phrase can make such resonating universal sense than "Get a Life" , and one outside your cyber realm. Besides these games taking your privacy away, they get a double reward- your brain and dignity tag along, too.
Why wasting precious time on crops you can't eat and animals you can't interact with be so appealing to millions baffles me. Whatever happened to real games? Games made from cardboard, stimulating puzzles, riddles, and the like? What happened to real conversation? Not just.. "Please accept my freshly picked carrots!" I mean Really. How accomplished can you really feel from tending a garden you can't even touch? Why not try the real thing? No time? Why not add up the time you spend watering crops?
Don't be a fail. Don't clutter my News Feed; because quite frankly, no one CARES if you "baked" a "scrumptious" cake on Restaurant City.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Dear Savage Animal Behind The Wheel

Dear brainless droid behind the wheel,
I'd like to give you a run down of several things you should take into consideration the next time you hit the road. I know you think Road Rules is just an old fascinating MTV show, but its more than just that. It's actually a code of funny little standards that save people lives and livers on the road. I understand you received your license from the last Lucky Charm cereal box. So I'm going to pay a deed to society and teach you the basics. Hey, I may also help you save 15% or more on your car insurance. Let's churn them out, shall we?
  • BLINKERS- That miniature baseball bat looking thing under your nose serves a purpose. A quite dignified one, I'd like to think. They're called blinkers. And that little stick makes the prettiest red lights blink on your backlights- either left or right, depending which way you have to turn. That way, myself, and all the other 987696 cars on the road know why on God's green earth you'll be swerving in front of us and making our foot very well acquainted with the brake. It may sound like Chinese to you, or even Intelligent English, but I promise you gratitude will swell in our hearts when you acknowledge the usefulness of the blinkers- as our necks will no longer whiplash.
  • BRAKES- There's no reason to tap your brakes everytime you breathe or for every altering moment on the road. The light is as green as your teeth so keep a reasonable speed ahead, please! There's no reason to fear that other cars are stopped next to you. They happen to be on the turning lane. You happen to be on the "drive forward for Heaven's sake!" lane.  So step on it, Bucky.
  • MERGE LANE- Say it with me, MERGE lane. That means you can slide unto that wide margin coming off or into the road. Please don't feel the need to wait until the road is as desolate as your mind to join the crowded lane. Just drive buddy, and you will see how smooth the transition can be.
  • Txting While Driving- Epic Fail and Epic Danger. Slowing down traffic, driving dangerously close to the wrong sides, and braking right on my bumper. Put the phone down. Whomever it is will live to see another day if you don't respond "Ok!" or "Idk. hby?" in a matter of minutes. A single texted response may be worth more than your life, but certainly not more than mine, so be considerate of the rest of us, whom would like to see another day. And preferably another day without you.
If you follow my directions, you'll make the road a better place to share with all lower forms of life. And no, I don't mean roadkill
Peace. Glad we had this convo..

Monday, November 29, 2010

Jacked Friday

Nothing creates more hysteria than black friday sales. Scores of stores are crammed to the roof with obsessed shoppers on a craze for things they don't need.. or for that matter, can fit into their trunk.
I sat there in the parking lot of Wal Mart, early Friday morning, (no.. I wasn't shopping..) and I just had to laugh at the ridonkulous people to be seen.
Huge LCD TVs and other odds and ends lumbered over their shopping carts, nearly toppling to the floor. After they arrive at their vehicle, they realize to their dismay, that their junk can't fit in their trunk. You'd think they'd have the parameters of their car down packed. You'd think they'd calculate the area of their new treasures would snugly fit in their hatchback car. But of course, they wait to the last minute and get all frustrated when they realize their coveted objects can't be jammed in their piggy bank. Fail!
It's cute people actually think they're getting a good deal, when in fact the prices are just super jacked up most of the time, and then dropped slightly to make for an AWESOME!!! bargain. To make matters worse, some splurge happy shoppers wait in line for hours and then right at register time, realize the In-Store price was different than the advertised price, of course, had they read the fine print below the fine print, they would have seen, "AFTER MAIL IN REBATE".
All I have to say is Black Friday is Jacked Friday. Both for the merchants who profit and for the ones who stay out all night, stand sit and lay in colossally long lines and then purchase something that's 10 dollars less than the best price.
Cyber Monday, however.. is a different story. About time someone came up with a smart, profitable idea :)