Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Follow the Media Media Media

Let's put it this way. You've never been a fan of vegetables. The very thought of asparagus makes you cringe. If you were stranded on an island that thrived on veggies, you'd consider the alternate venue of allowing your gastric acids to consume your stomach lining.

But one day as you sit there munching a cookie, a commercial airs where a gorgeous blond holds a bright orange crunchy wet carrot. She bites it- making the most fun acoustic crunches in sync with one of those ambient underground hippy-ish sound tracks. You know, the ones that only sound good in lays and hp commercials that last thirty seconds. Your mouth has begun to water. You lay down the cookie and walk into the light ...of the fridge. You are now a believer.

It sounds goofy, but everyday companies spend millions advertising their product. The result? They have your average consumer yearning for a vast array of objects, from the newest ifail to campbells soup. Usually were quick to catch on when publicity bombards us with shiny junk we don't need..but when it comes to the entertainment media, most close their eyes and gladly surrender their will to become celebrity gossip zombies- or zombrities, for short. The truth is so many people are mindless zombrities they can't even develop lives of their own without wondering how many jimmy choos Katy Perry owns or how many objects Snookie is doing. And how about this nonsense of whom are the hottest girls? Who or what decides who falls in that category? And why do ignorant people take what headlines and magazines take as absolute truth?

I mean, Megan Fox, really? Five years ago she just another chick in a super girly, super fake Lindsay Lohan movie. No one even knew her bra size. Fast forward to botox, breasts implants and nose and cheekbone cosmetic adjustments and now she's considered the hottest chick alive? Really?

You don't fool me. 

Before And After- and she doesn't even look like the same person.
Well I prefer to use my head, and to use it frequently. It's not that I'm a hater, because I do think certain celebrities are attractive, like Charlize Theron and Rebecca Romijn. Megan Fox-breath doesn't fool me. Beneath the spastic surgery she's just another plain Jane-everyone else, girl-next-door's-puppy. If thousands of dollars spent and hours under the knife make you the world's most beautiful plastic bag, I rather be plain old brown bag. Nothing special, just a narrow paper bag to hold your lunch. And make awesome googly eyed puppets with.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Father, I have spinned- Darn auto correct!

Are you tired of driving to church on Sundays just so you can tell the priest you've been getting jiggy lately? 

Are you done with having to write your sins down, or trying to keep them under five per week so you can remember them? 

Well transgress no more. 
Apple now offers a new Catholic app.. CONFESSION! For a reasonable price now all you have to do is type your shortcomings and scantiness on the privacy of your Iphone. No face to face embarrassment, no wasted gas, and the same equal pardon opportunity- whether you cursed or poisoned your mother in law. You can read about it here.
What other apps will the Catholic church profit- er I mean, take use of? 

Presenting the new.. IBaptized App!
With this fancy application, you recite your creeds and knowledge, press a button, and use the phone's squirt power to commence your solid relationship with the Higher One.
For a one time price of $9.99, now you too can become one with the Holy Spirit!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Dear Classmate

I've had with hormonal dropouts, teenage whack jobs, and overall idiots. It's bad enough I have to share a world with these oxygen-hoggers, but its worse when the air bubble is constricted to a stuffy classroom. This blog is dedicated to the pot heads I unfortunately have to brush shoulders with while I try to get school out of the way.

Dear Classmate,

Life hasn't been easy for you. I get it. Your parents did a half-butt job because they didn't care. They were too busy cheating on each other or getting so far wasted they could forget about your existence, a page in the book of mistakes they can't undo. Too harsh? Sorry. Not mistakes, boo boos.

Now, through Murphy's law, my frenemy chance, and my own procrastination, you and I are in the same class. And by class, I'm "scientifically" referring to Mammalia, Order Primates. I went on to be "Homo-Sapien". You went on to be a mix between obnoxious monkey and stupid. I take that back. Monkeys don't deserve that offense. Specimen like you make evolution seem like a joke. In fact, if  Darwin was still alive, he'd die sinking in his own embarrassment of belonging to the same "species" as you.
Lo and Behold, the devolution of Stupid

But hence, here we are, sitting inside the same four walls, smelling each other's cells. Don't make this any harder than it has to be. I understand several fixtures upstairs in your sorry excuse of brain (really, that's what you're calling it?) never turned on. But it's my duty, my civil right,- and one I wouldn't dare dream deprive you of- to remind you of your lowly existence and your place on this earth. So here's a tip, out of human decency, or lack thereof. 

When the teacher asks you to introduce yourself, and describe your job, "Drugdealer" is not the appropriate answer. " Full-time Idiot" would be precise, but not politically accurate. Nevertheless, pulling your cap down, and muttering through your teeth what your "proffession" is doesn't make you "cool". You may have beguiled your progenitors, but such luck will not beseech you for life. So how bout keeping that rotting cave on your face shut, as there are no spelunkers here.

That goes for your five year old remarks on the pictures in anatomy class. Save your breath. You're going to need it when I lock you in the carbon monoxide closet. Whoops, did I say that aloud? I meant the happy fog room place!

Better luck in the next evolutionary leap.