Monday, February 14, 2011

Dear Classmate

I've had with hormonal dropouts, teenage whack jobs, and overall idiots. It's bad enough I have to share a world with these oxygen-hoggers, but its worse when the air bubble is constricted to a stuffy classroom. This blog is dedicated to the pot heads I unfortunately have to brush shoulders with while I try to get school out of the way.

Dear Classmate,

Life hasn't been easy for you. I get it. Your parents did a half-butt job because they didn't care. They were too busy cheating on each other or getting so far wasted they could forget about your existence, a page in the book of mistakes they can't undo. Too harsh? Sorry. Not mistakes, boo boos.

Now, through Murphy's law, my frenemy chance, and my own procrastination, you and I are in the same class. And by class, I'm "scientifically" referring to Mammalia, Order Primates. I went on to be "Homo-Sapien". You went on to be a mix between obnoxious monkey and stupid. I take that back. Monkeys don't deserve that offense. Specimen like you make evolution seem like a joke. In fact, if  Darwin was still alive, he'd die sinking in his own embarrassment of belonging to the same "species" as you.
Lo and Behold, the devolution of Stupid

But hence, here we are, sitting inside the same four walls, smelling each other's cells. Don't make this any harder than it has to be. I understand several fixtures upstairs in your sorry excuse of brain (really, that's what you're calling it?) never turned on. But it's my duty, my civil right,- and one I wouldn't dare dream deprive you of- to remind you of your lowly existence and your place on this earth. So here's a tip, out of human decency, or lack thereof. 

When the teacher asks you to introduce yourself, and describe your job, "Drugdealer" is not the appropriate answer. " Full-time Idiot" would be precise, but not politically accurate. Nevertheless, pulling your cap down, and muttering through your teeth what your "proffession" is doesn't make you "cool". You may have beguiled your progenitors, but such luck will not beseech you for life. So how bout keeping that rotting cave on your face shut, as there are no spelunkers here.

That goes for your five year old remarks on the pictures in anatomy class. Save your breath. You're going to need it when I lock you in the carbon monoxide closet. Whoops, did I say that aloud? I meant the happy fog room place!

Better luck in the next evolutionary leap.

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