Thursday, February 10, 2011

Feelin' Fruity

So you ever wondered why after eating a fruit, you get all bloated and gassy? See fig. 1 A

Fig. 1 A- The Aftermaths of Banana Eating
 You haven't? Well that surprises me, because we all know you've been the 2nd leading cause of methane pollution. Right after the cows, all 85905490514 of them.

Anyways, turns out, Gassy-pants, that after sacrificing my wallet eating grapefruit and watermelon, I find out I've been eating fruits incorrectly all my life. How so? There's a process to munching fruits apparently, and I'm suing pbskids for not exploiting it. Turns out eating fruits after a meal is as useful as a styrofoam turkey. See fig. 1B

Fruits should actually be taken on an empty stomach to produce their desired effect. Fear no more having to reject a delicious apple, or run to the closest bathroom after a juicy watermelon.

This fancy blog (click here) about a former NY living in Manila gathers more insight on the subject. Meanwhile fellas, stick to eating bananas in the comfort and privacy of your bathroom. You have been warned. Thx
Fig. 1 B- Confused Styrofoam Oversized Chicken Looking Turkey


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ninfamous vs Road Ragers

Snow means ice. Ice means blockage. Blockage means slow moving and lots of cars getting stuck. 
What's so complicated about that equation? 
This weekend my friend dropped me off during a ice rainfall at my house. Unfortunately he missed a bump of ice and drove straight into it, getting stuck. Unfortunately I live in a narrow road, which should be a one way. As three of us got out to push the van towards the road and someone geared inside, a small blockage of cars began to form at the road entrance. 
Let's pause and picture the image. Freezing rain is falling upon us, snow is getting on our feet and melting inside our socks, and everytime my friend floors the gas pedal, pieces of ice and snow pelt my face. Now take a wild guess. 
Do you think of all the winter pasttimes, this is the entertainment of my choice? Does it look like we're shooting a winter flick? A minivan commercial? Are you stupid? 
Can someone explain to me, WHY YOU NEED TO HONK?! Isn't the visual imagery enough to send  your gears cranking in the logical direction? If you're going to sit your hairy butt inside the comfort of your car and watch while the rest of us helplessly toil, at least be silent about it. 
I almost went Chuck Chan on their windshield. Then I thought better of it. Broken glass hurts. 
New Englanders are a pain in the rear. I'm moving back to FL. At least every season brings a new batch of snow birds. And if we're sick of them, there's a probability the next season we'll have replacements ;)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Ninfamous vs Snow

Dear Snow,

We get it. You love to make your white appearance. You love to interrupt my plans, rather abruptly and without notice. But for the past month, you've made more than your seasonal appearance. 
I guess, what I'm trying to say is.. You've sorta overstayed your welcome. And I mean in the best of ways, really, you're such a sweetheart. Thinking back on the good old days when you and I would team up against Tommy, and feed him a mouthful of ice over and over again. Or pelting Old Crowsfeet Granny next door. Sigh.. good times.
But the reality is, things changed between you and me. I don't know if it was Spring. Spring and I, we clicked. It's not you, its me. I just can't live without my tulips and cotton blossoms. Don't get me wrong, you're one strikingly handsome freak of nature. But forrizils, you're cramping my style. 
Like yesterday for example. Why did you have to be so cold? I just wanted to walk my dog/rat and go back indoors. But no, you had to keep me longer in the hardest of ways. Making me fall on my butt. 
(Peeps, boots with heels and ice, not a good combo.) 
You've gotten too clingy man, sticking to cars, the sidewalk, my butt.. 
You know what.. I hate long breakups. Let's just call it a day, we can still facebook, chat every once in a while. Anything you need homie, I'm right here. Just.. like, go away for a while. Like I don't know, 10 months or so? 

K, thx! xoxo 

Monday, February 7, 2011

If my family were..

Compared to today's platforms/operating systems, I could categorize my entire family.


My mother would be windows xp. Stable performance, dependable, great for your everyday tasks, like checking email and skype-ing with  grandma but never the less outdated.



I would be the android galaxy s with 1.0 gigahertz and hummingbird processor, full of proverbial expectations, fast response and battery that's constant ly in need of a charger.





My brother would be the iphone 4g. Fun, user friendly, millions of  apps to keep you entertained for hours and simultaneuously wasting time forever, but zero customization. It is what it is. Take it or leave it.





At the top of the line, my sister would be htc windows 7. Classy interface, and ability to morph into the sleek droid, the fun iphone, or business blackberry after being rooted.





Last, we are all represented by our male progenitor. The papa, big daddy. He would be the awesome, handy, capable..led... 


calculator.



Handles the simplest of tasks, never changes its analog look, does what's its supposed to do and nothing else. No bells, no whistles. Even though it only crunches numbers, you never know how much you need it until youre without it.



Now where did I put my charger?