Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Root of All Evil- er, Misunderstandings

After 20 years of gracing this planet with my wonderful ingenuity.. I've chosen today to humbly offer the greatest token of truth regarding conflict, before the end of the world swallows us all up. After meditating and musing over the root of everything misunderstood.. I finally deem you, the public, worthy of such a quantum revelation. 


You want to know what it is? (Of course you do.)


Enough digressing. The answer is: 
WOMEN! Haha.. yeah right. I've seen what happens to people that cross women. 


Okay really. Here goes. The root of all Misunderstandings:


ASSUMPTIONS. That disgusting filth of a word that exists in only one connotative state: negative. That evokes misery and anger from the deepest realms of your core. That pivots your sense of justice till it shines brighter than Shakira's yellow hair. See Figure 1 A.
Figure 1 A. Walking into the light..




Just because I have chocolate stained lips does not mean I had your chocolate mousse with espresso. And that it was delicious. See Figure 1B
Figure 1 B. A misunderstanding in the works..




Honestly though, some of today's biggest issues arise over the ridiculous triviality of misunderstandings that stem from assumptions. We assume someone did something because they knew it would hurt us. We assume our best friend knows exactly how we think and therefore smite them when they falter towards us. We assume someone else will pick up our slack, we assume someone else will call 911 when we run over someone on the highway.. all these assumptions. 


If we just spoke up every once in a while in honest communication, instead of assuming things will get better, or fix themselves, the world would be a better place. Okay, maybe not, but your livers would have a longer shelf life than potato yogurt. See fig 2 A


Fig 2 A. The wonderfully up to scale healthy liver vs the aging decaying potato yogurt.


So people: Stop thinking you have clairvoyant or mind reading powers, or that other people do. We all know only one of us can be omniscient, and I'm trying hard to harness those powers for good. 


Everyone's brain wheels churn to a different rhythm. So before you start patronizing others, do my liver a favor and ask first, then smite. Its a policy I've lived by for 20 years, and its proven efficient. 


You can make those checks out to Ninfamous Awesome Sauce McBlogger. 


or Awesome for short. 

JUDGEMENT DAY IMPENDS!

Man.. I feel so unprepared! I haven't even bought out half of Lowe's and Home Depot, or jam packed my house in every corner with canned goods..

What is that you say? I'll be rapturized? No need to pack my clothes? Not even my cute flower printed sandal wedges?

Hmm.. Are there going to be snacks on the flight?

Okay. Enough ridiculousity. Apparently, we all fell asleep and missed the calling- Judgement Day is May 21st? That's like 10 days away! I won't get to see Oprah's last show, or who gets crowned queen of beauty on Nuestra Belleza Latina.. or worst.. I won't get to enjoy my first legit drink at 21?!

That's right folks.. The end of the world jumped up again from December 21, 2012 to May 21, 2011. Everything I put off to do in my life must be crammed in ten flipping days, from dropping those 10 lbs, reading Shakespeare and bike ride to Australia. Looks like I've got a lot of fessin' up to do for the next ten days, too.

Oh well. I heard they've got wicked awesome bands in the heavens above.

So at this point, ye heathens, there's nothing much else you can do except pray like there's no tomorrow. Because pretty soon, there won't be. :P



Monday, May 9, 2011

Ninfamous' Random Thoughts

What's up with today's football players? When did they get so fat? Is football the American version of sumo wrestling with cool helmets? Did they eat the football? When they're not on the field, they must be getting open heart bypass surgery.

Seriously. South Beach Diet anybody?


Two things you should never tell people. 1) Wow, you're photogenic! Which basically means, "Wow, for a minute there I actually thought you had a decent face!" and B) You look better in person. Which technically means, "I was taken aback by your digital appearance, but its relieving to see you're really not that aesthetically repulsive in the flesh." Both are classic backhand compliments and just two examples of things that should never leave your twisted mind. 

Photoshop Strikes Again!