Friday, April 29, 2011

Courtesy Call from Ninfamous

(First, I'd like to thank MackDiva over at for my inspiration for my next post.
MackDiva.. take this as a courtesy call. Phone a friend. A collect call. Like when you're in jail, and you can't afford telling your parents, so you trust that one friend and beg them to never tell anyone that you got caught peeing by the roadside at night.)

Ring Ring... Herro Mack Diva. It's your savior calling. I'm sorry I forgot to clothe in translucent robe, but I didn't have time to send my seamstress a sowin'. 

I'm not trying to be Dear Abby here, Dr. Phil pseudoscience, or even remotely logical. But I just read that last blog post and my sense of duty tugged at my heartstrings. Er.. at my ice-pump strings. I normally watch people train wreck their lives every day and sit back and laugh, then blog about it- in that precise order. However, I've read a lot of your stuff- and you seem like a pretty nice, normal woman who isn't completely psycho or your average soccer mom snooze. So as a girl-to-girl favor- here's mine.

Okay- now if I have your attention- here goes my unasked for two cents. Yeah, but I'm volunteering them anyway. I have digital phalanges and a mind- therefore science dictates I should erupt textually whenever I have a thought explosion. After all, its what my antecedents would want me to do. And.. I also have a inkling that you will thank me later. (That can be in the form of an easy pay pal payment ;) I'll also settle for a link on your page to mine! :P

All joking aside... back to the matter at hand- should you jump headfirst in a relationship you know is going nowhere but downhill fast? All for a little fun?

Should you set up camp on railroad tracks? Should you try taking a nap in the oven? I mean come on people. Open your headlights and let them shine on the path ahead! How can I put this clearly. 

You may as well blindfold yourself and swim across the amazon. You might survive- just not with every appendage intact.

At this point I'd like to quote an excerpt from Diva's blog:

"When I finally took him home -- yeah, he's car-less, too -- I reflected on the date. Yes, we had fun because he's smart, funny, and quite ambitious. And it was nice to be out with a cutie. Most importantly, it felt nice to be desired.

But his lack of experience in social settings bothered me. He's a diamond in the who'll need a LOT of polishing. Basically, a project. And after I got through making him a man, I know he'll march his manly self off to the next chick. And I just don't have the time or energy to invest in him right now."

Does anyone not see the holy-cow-you-are-treading-serious-water detectors going off? One, you work with him. When this tanks, and it will, you are going to be upset, bruised, and hate your job and everything it stands for because you will have to continue working alongside him. Two, you've already admitted to yourself he's going to call his next fling after he's juiced you on "how to not be stupid" tips. Third- if the biggest reason you want to hang on is because he makes you feel desired- oh no. no no no. Doesn't anyone watch Maury anymore? 

No really. Selfishness is the basis of every [sarcasm] great [/sarcasm] long lasting relationship. Long lasting as in similarity to the HIV virus. The gift that stays in your system and keeps on giving. 

There is NO such thing as "no strings attached". Every time you enter a relationship, you are investing something. Stop fooling yourself thinking your bad self can walk in and claim foreign ground and then walk out like no one's business. That's like walking to into Bath and Body Works with five bucks and not thinking you won't come out 6 bucks poorer with a new Precious Peridot Pear of the Primrose Pickles Lotion.

That's right- Getting involved with anyone takes a toll on you- emotionally and physically. Do you really want to subtract both, and your dignity, when you know this is going end right where it started? At nothing? When red flags are apparent- but that guy is so cute you just can't get over it- run. Run as far and fast as possible in the opposite direction. You are now walking on a path leading only to one place- The End. 

Complete and utter bankruptcy of yourself. Your happiness. Your structure of life. Your self worth. Your bank account, after buying every gallon of rocky road ice cream in the surrounding five miles.

However, if those things are voluble and lack value in your life, then go on ahead! Misery is waiting, arms wide open. All for a little "fun".

In the words of this funny old lady.. BACK IT UP homie.. Back it up.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dear Obnoxious Businessman..

Don't you hate it when you're out somewhere and there seems to be someone who speaks unnecessarily loud for the sake of sounding important, commanding attention, or appealing the public in their self indulgence? This letter goes out to all people who think complete strangers care about their career any more than they care for Lyme disease.

Dear Obnoxious Businessman,

      What a pleasure it is to find myself in the same restaurant as you. Its not every day one gets to overhear the fantastic dynamics of your average successful businessman. After all, imagine how devoid my life would be if it escaped my knowledge that you're fluent in Spanish, English, and Idiot and that you can reach high decibels from your stock voicebox?
     Don't get me wrong. It's wonderful that you feel the need to express yourself. But just because you were born with vocal attributes doesn't necessarily give you the green light to use them. You may want to consider taking a vow of silence for a year. Many find it revealing, inspiring, and the best road to self discovery. A year seems too long? How about shutting up for the next 30 minutes then, so that I can eat my meal in peace and listen to my own thoughts and those for who's company I care about?
     I get it. Feeling like you have authority and people at your every beck and call satisfies your shameful self worth meter. I mean, I get it, I really do- it's nice to feel needed and useful. But what did I ever do to give you the inkling that I care about how you run your Fortune -500 company? Let's face it. A chump like you is not a CEO of anything except the breakroom. Yeah, you look like a strawberry sprinkle donut kinda guy. And thats perfectly okay, this world is designed with hundreds of self help books to make losers like you feel better about their failures. You are not alone, my good man.
   And as far as you making the big bucks.. figures with anything less than 5 zeros qualifies you as a "Thousandaire" ... not exactly Trump material. So your talk of spending $700 here and there ain't impressing anyone but your momdukes, k? Now put a lid on it and let us all enjoy our food. Thanks!

P.S. Real CEOs have smart phones and personal trainers.. Just thought I'd let ya know ;)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Ninfamous vs People with Privacy Concerns

Lately everyone and their grandma is in uproar about the privacy of smart phones and the risk of their privacy being well, not so private. I mean, how can it be that a phone that is pretty much a computer and tells them where the closest Mickey Dees is can also track where they go every day? Gasp!
Come on people. At least try using that atrocious thing on your shoulders for more than just wearing ridiculous oversized baseball caps. If a phone has GPS capability, which nowadays, most do, Iphone or not, don't you think other people can access that GPS remotely? After all, GPS does stand for Global Positioning System. If we have the capability of tracking a satellite outside the earth and take 10 megapixel pictures of a grain of rice in Japan, do you really think it's that difficult to tap your run of the mill soccer mom's Ifake clustered with hundreds of pictures of her dirt stricken kids? Or monitor the stores your teenage drama queen frequents?
I said it before. I'll say it again. You can laugh, you can scoff, and you can sneer, but I'm warning you, Technology is our demise. There's always a price to pay when you want to search the surrounding five miles for the cheapest gas, when you want that app that displays the best coupons for your area, when you need directions from your house to your mother in law's and your kid's schools. The price of the convenience of a GPS? Dishing out your exact location to the masses for a higher degree of comfort.
So that leads me to the topic. If you have issues with the possibility of a stranger stalking your kids or yourself and whacking you senseless in a dark, desolate parking lot, then consider becoming amish. See figure 1A.
That's right, that also means you have to relinquish computer usage, modern day digital cameras, cellphones, facebook, and even some public restrooms.
Yes, that's right, I said it. Facebook.Who would have thought five years ago it would be so easy to gain millions of mindless peoples addresses, phone numbers and personal information? For free? And the best part..with consent? Were talking hacker/stalker heaven here. All for a piece of face cake glory. All so you can water your stupid crops. All so you can try to hook up with that old flame in High School that always thought you were ugly to begin with. You know what I say? Well deserved. Why guard your SS# with your life or shred important documents and keep your birthday or address private when you're forking it over for free over at Mafia Wars? Welcome to the 21st century of geniuses,  when security measures perfected for decades became useless at the rise of facebook apps and careless GPS usage. And for the last time, no I will not help you plant your flippin seeds.
Figure 1 A- Amish Lifestyle reduces privacy risks. And apparently, Amish cows levitate.