Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dear Obnoxious Businessman..

Don't you hate it when you're out somewhere and there seems to be someone who speaks unnecessarily loud for the sake of sounding important, commanding attention, or appealing the public in their self indulgence? This letter goes out to all people who think complete strangers care about their career any more than they care for Lyme disease.

Dear Obnoxious Businessman,


      What a pleasure it is to find myself in the same restaurant as you. Its not every day one gets to overhear the fantastic dynamics of your average successful businessman. After all, imagine how devoid my life would be if it escaped my knowledge that you're fluent in Spanish, English, and Idiot and that you can reach high decibels from your stock voicebox?
     Don't get me wrong. It's wonderful that you feel the need to express yourself. But just because you were born with vocal attributes doesn't necessarily give you the green light to use them. You may want to consider taking a vow of silence for a year. Many find it revealing, inspiring, and the best road to self discovery. A year seems too long? How about shutting up for the next 30 minutes then, so that I can eat my meal in peace and listen to my own thoughts and those for who's company I care about?
     I get it. Feeling like you have authority and people at your every beck and call satisfies your shameful self worth meter. I mean, I get it, I really do- it's nice to feel needed and useful. But what did I ever do to give you the inkling that I care about how you run your Fortune -500 company? Let's face it. A chump like you is not a CEO of anything except the breakroom. Yeah, you look like a strawberry sprinkle donut kinda guy. And thats perfectly okay, this world is designed with hundreds of self help books to make losers like you feel better about their failures. You are not alone, my good man.
   And as far as you making the big bucks.. figures with anything less than 5 zeros qualifies you as a "Thousandaire" ... not exactly Trump material. So your talk of spending $700 here and there ain't impressing anyone but your momdukes, k? Now put a lid on it and let us all enjoy our food. Thanks!


P.S. Real CEOs have smart phones and personal trainers.. Just thought I'd let ya know ;)

1 comment:

jad said...

A successful person does not need to announce their arrival or presence, because they walk in like they've already arrived and they are comfortable with their own presence.