Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Dear Savage Animal Behind The Wheel

Dear brainless droid behind the wheel,
I'd like to give you a run down of several things you should take into consideration the next time you hit the road. I know you think Road Rules is just an old fascinating MTV show, but its more than just that. It's actually a code of funny little standards that save people lives and livers on the road. I understand you received your license from the last Lucky Charm cereal box. So I'm going to pay a deed to society and teach you the basics. Hey, I may also help you save 15% or more on your car insurance. Let's churn them out, shall we?
  • BLINKERS- That miniature baseball bat looking thing under your nose serves a purpose. A quite dignified one, I'd like to think. They're called blinkers. And that little stick makes the prettiest red lights blink on your backlights- either left or right, depending which way you have to turn. That way, myself, and all the other 987696 cars on the road know why on God's green earth you'll be swerving in front of us and making our foot very well acquainted with the brake. It may sound like Chinese to you, or even Intelligent English, but I promise you gratitude will swell in our hearts when you acknowledge the usefulness of the blinkers- as our necks will no longer whiplash.
  • BRAKES- There's no reason to tap your brakes everytime you breathe or for every altering moment on the road. The light is as green as your teeth so keep a reasonable speed ahead, please! There's no reason to fear that other cars are stopped next to you. They happen to be on the turning lane. You happen to be on the "drive forward for Heaven's sake!" lane.  So step on it, Bucky.
  • MERGE LANE- Say it with me, MERGE lane. That means you can slide unto that wide margin coming off or into the road. Please don't feel the need to wait until the road is as desolate as your mind to join the crowded lane. Just drive buddy, and you will see how smooth the transition can be.
  • Txting While Driving- Epic Fail and Epic Danger. Slowing down traffic, driving dangerously close to the wrong sides, and braking right on my bumper. Put the phone down. Whomever it is will live to see another day if you don't respond "Ok!" or "Idk. hby?" in a matter of minutes. A single texted response may be worth more than your life, but certainly not more than mine, so be considerate of the rest of us, whom would like to see another day. And preferably another day without you.
If you follow my directions, you'll make the road a better place to share with all lower forms of life. And no, I don't mean roadkill
Peace. Glad we had this convo..

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